Wednesday, December 22, 2010

PC P-ing

I went to happy hour with Sitcom Kelly last night and that’s always good for a post idea.  I wasn’t sure when the idea would come, but I was confident something would surface.  Then I went to the bathroom to break the seal and what do you know?  My idea popped out.  So many good ideas come from time spent in the bathroom.

The bathroom there has 2 urinals and 1 stall.  When I went in, there was already a guy at a urinal.  I know I should have went into the stall, but against my better judgment, I took the empty urinal.  I figured the other guy would be done in a moment.  Boy, was I ever wrong…

See, I have “bashful kidneys.”  If there are people in close proximity to me, I just can’t go, no matter how urgent the need.  My urethra slams shut like a bank vault door.

The guy beside me was going like a fire hose, from the sounds of it.  I had to press for all I was worth just to make it sound like I wasn’t just in there for nothing but the ambiance.  And I had to hope to God that I didn’t shit myself from the strain.

By the time the fire hose began to wane, another dude came in, so I figured I’d wrap it up and come back later.  I hate that.

The thing is, it’s completely mental.  Sometimes it’s OK, especially if I’m in there first.  Once I get started, I’m good to go.  And sometimes I can even pull it off when someone else is there first.  But I have to be preoccupied.  The very second I think, “Boy, I hope I can go,” it’s over.  I can’t go.

The biggest problem is with attending sporting events, especially football games.  When we used to go to the Steelers/Browns games in Cleveland, you took your life in your hands wading into that sea of angry Browns fans.  You ALWAYS had to go in with friends.  So by the time you stand there in line in front of the giant trough, getting yelled at, jostled and otherwise abused, you had to go like a racehorse.  And then to get up there, elbow to elbow with the afore-mentioned riffraff, and NOT be able to go?  Eventually I learned to use a stall, no matter how long the line or how foul the atmosphere.

I don’t know what the deal is.  Maybe it’s just a general sense of discomfort felt when there are other dudes close by and you have your dick in your hand.

Places that have rest room attendants are the worst.  There’s this piano bar that my old work crowd used to go to...  It was great… always a lot of fun and the place was always rollicking. 

First time I went to pee there, I’m standing at the urinal and suddenly this old dude in a red suit comes up behind me and starts brushing off my shoulders.  WHILE I’M PEEING!  Dude is lucky I didn’t spin around on him and soak his pant leg.  And then they want a tip for that “service”. 

Dude, you want a tip?  Stay the hell away from a guy that has his dick out, OK.  You want paid for your service?  Hold the everybody else back until I’m done.  Then, I’ll toss a couple bucks in your pot.  Short of that?  Piss off!

Now this is really weird, but sometimes I get spells of the bashful kidney when I’m home alone.  All it takes is for me to think about it, then WHAM.  No more pee.

I have to turn on the faucet behind me, just to get the atmosphere back.  My next step is to mount a photo directly over the toilet.  Maybe this will help:
(Waterfall shot I took last year at Patapsco State Park.)

Is this just a guy thing?  Do the ladies ever have performance anxiety in the stalls?  Sitcom Kelly suggested that producing too much sound can be intimidating, especially with the echo of the not so soundproof room.

Meanwhile, the rest of the happy hour with Sitcom Kelly was productive.  I learned that she’s going to Amsterdam next spring, for a 7-day bicycle tour.  I had to insist that she take notes while she’s there because I know it’s going to be a helluva story.  Perhaps she can pick up some tips on how to grow tulips in a dark basement.  The Pit could use a little brightening up, I’m sure.

22 comments:

  1. No, dude, it's definitely NOT just a guy thing. I can't pee if there are other chicks in the restroom, and as I'm sure you know, we go in STALLS. It's a real problem, especially given most women's penchant for going to the ladies' room in groups.

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  2. The first time I had to pee in front of someone I didn't know, it was a 300 pound black woman who was making sure I didn't dump bleach or something into it while taking a drug test for the Army. She went in behind me, turned on the faucet and started working on some paperwork saying, "I haven't got all day, let's get this going."

    I think since then peeing in public is not an issue for me.

    When Carly's car was stranded on the side of 28 by RIDC park once, I squatted behind the barriers. No issues again.

    My biggest problem is when I've just...you know. That's when I can't go. And it's when doctors tell me it's the best and most important time to go to prevent infection, donchaknow. But nope. I have to think about it for a looooong time. Then the magic happens and the pee flows.

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  3. Hey man! Been a while. Happy Holidays!

    I typically don't get bashful when peeing in public, but it has happened on occasion.

    Here's one way you get even with the riffraf while using a urinal. Eat a shitload of asparagus before you go to the game. This happened to me at a fancy shmancy concert. It was so embarrassing and funny. The guy next to me couldn't finish fast enough.

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  4. This literally made me shoot water out of mouth. That's hilarious.

    But no, this is totally a girl thing too. We use the term "bladder shy." I can't tell you how many times I've been stranded in a stall cursing myself out. And to have to whip it out in front of other people. There is no freaking way.

    I'm glad I'm a girl.

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  5. Have you ever been to the bathroom at the Bettis Grill next to Heinz Field? There's a two-way mirror over the urinals that looks out onto the bar. Talk about strange!! Brings a hole new meaning to Pee n' See Park!

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  6. Mrs. Bachelor Girl,
    It sounds you’ve got a peeing paradox on your hands there.

    Which reminds me of one other factor… kids! My ex work-wife Pam told me once how when she took her little daughter Rachael into the ladies’ room with her at church. Pam had to pee so she went in the stall. There were a bunch of other women in the ladies’ room as well.

    The daughter said, (loudly) “Mommy, did you make a tinkle?”

    Pam said, “Yes, Rachael.”

    Rachael went, “Yaaaaaaay!!” and clapped her hands.

    Rest of the women in the room busted out laughing…

    Cassie,
    Guys have that latter problem, in spades. And if you’ve ever seen “Me, Myself and Irene,” you know what a problem the post-fun pee can be.

    I’ve often heard about how one loses one’s sense of personal privacy after they’ve been in the military or a fraternity. Just get conditioned out of it, I suppose.

    Guy,
    Good to see you around again! That sounds like a great idea, if only I could choke down asparagus. (Bleah…) Perhaps some red food coloring instead, followed by intermittent screaming… Oh God, it’s starting! Everybody get back! Run for your lives…

    Jessica,
    It’s funny that girls have problems in the place that I consider my “sanctuary” for safe peeing. And here I was afraid this was going to be too much of a “guys” post…

    Bagger,
    No, I’ve never been. But I do appreciate the places that tack a newspaper or sports page up there over the urinals. It helps to have something to concentrate on to distract you from the reality that there are strange dudes close by with their dicks in their hands.

    And lacking company, it helps pass the time if you’ve been holding it for a while.

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  7. Bluz, that really made me laugh hard. And you know what happens when you make me laugh!

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  8. Oh Bluz, we love of hear of your trials and tribulations as a man. This was hysterical! The only time I can remember a Ladies Room that did not have stalls was the night of your DarwinFish Fry. I do believe that one of the gang has a picture to prove it!

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  9. Nope, not just a guy thing. I can't pee by myself half the time but in a stall? OMG... and FORGET. IT. if I have to do anything ELSE.
    *crying in shame and embarrassment*
    In fact, it's so bad that since I've been in college, I will NOT go between classes. I will wait til mid-lecture, holding it for like an HOUR, then run to the bathroom. Seriously. That way, nobody is in the bathroom.
    Now that the kid in my science class found friggin gonorrhea in the women's bathrooms (among other STDs) in the stalls, toilets, faucets, etc., I will be holding it longer.

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  10. Judie,
    I guess that means if you're in a crowded rest room and can't go, you have to call out to people to tell you jokes.

    Cher,
    When I first though of doing a post on this topic when I was at Happy Hour, my initial inclination was "This would make a GREAT guest post for the Cherlocks!"

    Luckily in the cold, sober light of morning, my better senses prevailed.

    Miley,
    I dread having to use a public restroom for anything other than a pee. Remember, I did that post a few months back, where I was having an emergency and was forced to use a stall at work, and about 10 seconds after I got in there, someone else came in with the same mission? Then the both of us were sitting there waiting for the other guy to make the first move. It was the dreaded Stall Standoff.

    Didn't they ever tell you that you can't get gonorrhea by absorption through your butt cheeks? Unless you rub your junk along the rim, you should be fine...

    If all you ladies would stop hovering and just sit down, there would be a lot less mess on the seat, hence less need for the hovering. There should be some kind of Universal Ladies Anti-Hovering Accord. I'll get Hillary Clinton on it...

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  11. Haha--I'm practically peeing myself here (good thing I'm alone)... No, actually, I don't have a problem with elimination in a separate stall in a bathroom with other women. But not sure I could stand in the midst of a group like you guys must, and just... go to it. I'm certain I'd dry up on the spot.

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  12. Sherry,
    Well, that's exactly what happens to me. In a stall, even surrounded by a hundred guys outside the walls, I'm fine. I suppose it's like when they put blinkers on a racehorse, so they can't wee anywhere but forward.

    Then there are other guys that seem to be in a contest to see A) how far away from the urinal they can stand and still get it in, or B) how much foam they can produce by peeing straight into the thimble-full of water, as hard as they can.

    Just goes to show that whenever you get more than one guy in a room, some kind of competition will break out.

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  13. Oh, I'm not concerned about getting anything by sitting. Fuck that hover shit. Uh unh. I have peed myself while in a full sit - hover? With my broke ass gimpy leg? FORGET IT.
    No, my concern is that it's on the doors and faucets and all over... and let's face it, my sex life isn't stellar and I rub my eyes a lot... and other places. Not at school, mind you, and I wash my hands a lot but I'm a bit paranoid about that whole "yes dear... I got an STD from a faucet at school. Really! promise!". Riiiiiight, like anyone would believe that shit.

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  14. OK, I'll give you that.

    Of course you can always turn off the faucet with the paper towels, then use them to open the door. (I do that at work every day. The pigs there don't even flush the toilet sometimes...)

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  15. Yea, I know. It won't stop my paranoia though ;)

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  16. No, Bluz, you get deconditioned of privacy once you have kids. When you have 50 people looking at your crotch, then kids barging in while you're showering...all modesty is lost.

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  17. No, Bluz, I only have to think of you and your wonderful sense of humor.
    Oh, and just so you know, I DON'T hover unless I am in one of those gas station restrooms where you have to get a key to use it. They are usually pretty gross!

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  18. Miley,
    OK. I wouldn't want your world to come collapsing down around you, by questioning your paranoia.

    Cassie,
    Yes, that's another of the long list of reasons that I'm childless. My heart surgery was bad enough. They had to go in through the groin. Nuff said. Until I finally post about it, one day.

    Judie,
    If you hover, that makes you a "helicopter parent." But yeah, in those garage bathrooms, I don't even want to stand too close.

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  19. I don't get performance anxiety in stalls cuz I can't see the person next to me. Urinals are just one more reson I'm glad I'm a woman.

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  20. Raven,
    I can even handle it if there are little "half-walls" between the urinals. They have that sometimes. The absolute worst are the stadium "troughs", which are just like they sound. Then you are literally elbow to elbow with other peeing dudes.

    I guess I just need to make a conscious effort to use the stalls. Even if I have to cope with the occasional "remnants."

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  21. The only time I have trouble is when I HAVE to go for a doctor. I've blogged about the whole UA experience before. It's not surprising that shyness results. Geesh.

    I don't know how guys handle seeing each other's stuff on a regular basis like that. Showering in the locker room at college was my first real encounter with other women's parts since I was a kid. Let me tell you, they had changed quite a bit. :)

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  22. Cristy,
    Oh, no one is allowed to LOOK at other guy's private personal parts. In fact, that's a good way to get your ass kicked. You have to either stare straight down, or at the wall.

    But still, you KNOW that there's a dick hanging out riiiiight there. It's unnerving.

    And I learned all I know about women's showers from watching "Porky's".

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